I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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