My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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