I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
