her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
