i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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