I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
