Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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