mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
