I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
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someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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