a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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