Duck Duck Cougar?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
