I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize