If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
