Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
