I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
