Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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