i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
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you had me at cake vodka
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.