I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen