dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
