The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
