Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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