she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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