So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
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Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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