so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
