I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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