you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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