I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
