so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
