You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
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I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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