FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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