so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
