If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
