god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
