So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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