I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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