i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
