so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
