you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
