Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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