why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
