I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
