so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
