I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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