were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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