i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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