I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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