Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
