Nicole vs. Life
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
