oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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