I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
