Already got asked if we're dating
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
