Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
