if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants