How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.