I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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