i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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