Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
