Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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